So with winter being so fricken cold this year my body seems to have decided, against my better judgement, to increase it’s fat stores in what I guess is a nice attempt to warm me up. So when I got a call from Lex at Mja’s gym, I thought I’d take up his offer of a free trial and a tour and I signed up to do a ‘body attack group fitness session’ (that’s fancy talk for aerobics).
So Jms, Mja and I went to the 11am session and I have to say it was definitely not a waste of time. Watching James try to keep up with the “single kicks, now double, now single, now left leg, arms up, whoop whoop, let’s go again, shuffle left, shuffle right, rub you stomach, pat your head” that Mel was leading us through was quite entertaining… I guess that’s how I look when I play ball sports. It seems that being champion of the playstation dancing game will not prepare you for the practical reality.
More disturbing was the way that at the end of each routine, Mel would finish by striking a pose, and when you are blindly following someone else’s physical movement, it’s kind of like getting tricked when playing Simon Says, and next thing you know you are also striking a pose, clapping your hands, or punching the air and singing ‘whoop whoop’.
After the class we had to meet Lex back at the front desk for the sales pitch because he had cleverly taken Jms’ passport and my drivers license as collateral so we couldn’t escape.
Lex gives us a number of brochures, one with a picture of himself in bike pants and sweating on the front and then takes us on a tour of the gym.
“This is Jo, he’s one of our personal trainers, here at the best gym in the world we have multiple olypians and professionals to help you reach your goals, don’t we jo..”
Jo then body slams Lex, picks him up in a bear hug and shakes him about.
“This is the RPM spin room, our most popular group fitness activity, there are 45 bikes in this room and the instructor takes you on a 45 minute intense journey through 17 different stages of intensity and speed using our state of the art intense light show”
Lights go out and the walls are painted with glow in the dark paint.
“Wow, look at this brochure with me on the front, how good does it look when I glow in the dark”
“Oh, word of warning, make sure you don’t wear your white g-string on when you do this class, cause it will glow like a mofo”
We make our way through the various levels, muscle room, machines for running, walking, stepping, crosstraining, rowing, don’t forget to breath, dvd library, steam room, sauna, monsoon shower that takes off the top layer of your skin, with an ice machine attached to sooth your wounds perhaps that you receive from too much time in their solarium.
Then we’re back in reception so lex can close the sale.
“So today we have an extra special offer, make sure you say ‘WOW’ when I tell you cause otherwise I’ll be upset”
Turns out I did say wow, wow that’s a bit out of my price range, I don’t reckon my body needs $50 a fortnight worth of change quite yet. Lex tried hard and had some good points - this is the best gym in the whole world - it will change your life and all, but alas, I had to turn down that life changing offer and go eat lunch and a full box of nanna buns from the market just so I could get back what Mel had taken off me earlier.
