~~~

great firewall of australia

2008-11-28T16:01:00.004+10:30

(3:59:30 PM) me: great firewall of australia is a fricken stupid idea and we should protest
(3:59:46 PM) jjj: my liberal left wing side of me says protest
(3:59:56 PM) jjj: my right wing capitalist side smells opportunity!

I'm here and it smells like orange

2008-09-29T14:00:00.004+09:30

Text Messages Received Saturday 27th Sept

12.56 Come
14.46 I am drunk
17.31 They only want you when your seventeen
21.46 I'm on a bus
22.05 I'm here and it smells like orange

Who knew?

2008-09-26T13:58:00.002+09:30

So procrastinating...

I thought my typing speed was like 30wpm or something but I just took this test and without even trying, my speed was apparently 60wpm!

Meanwhile.... nothing.

I know it's not christmas... but

2008-07-02T14:45:00.004+09:30

AS IF Mary got away with that whole 'virgin birth' story.

It really does put just a tinsy shadow of doubt over the rest of the story now doesn't it...

I like mtb's theory from a while ago that maybe Mary had a male conjoined twin growing inside her and so she impregnated herself with her brothers sperm.

Falls down a bit though cause it's unlikely the foetus would have gone through puberty, but it's still more believable than a virgin birth.

Car Combat

2007-12-22T18:23:00.000+10:30

Generally car combat time starts around 10 minutes from home and works into a crescendo that peaks as we walk in the door to our share-house so Nai and Tanya get to hear the end.

Today jon decided our car combat time would be spent deciding whether it is ok for a boss to buy their staff gift vouchers for a brothel as a christmas present. He compared it to buying a bottle of wine.

a brand new person!

2007-11-12T22:41:00.000+10:30

Charli Violet Datson or Chip arrived this week and it was very exciting!

think think think think think think

2007-11-01T20:00:00.000+10:30

did a workshop about how to think today, it was pretty good

Half way through though, a piece of the ceiling about as big as a saucer fell and nearly hit someone on the head.

too much thinking can be dangerous

Playing Houseboating

2007-10-14T22:49:00.000+09:30

Murray at Mannum

Smoke Signals

Cup Cake Pyramid Birthday Cake!! Yum

Cruising in the Jacuzzi

Cryptic crosswords and bon fires

he looks so comfortable for a human

aaahhhhh

Take it off

2007-09-24T14:58:00.000+09:30

Went to try to buy some clothes for work today. I think it’s time I realised I’m going to be here for a while and should probably stop wearing jeans everyday and make a bit of effort. So I thought I’d get a skirt, found one in cue for $140, was pretty nice… went down the road and found one just as nice for $29.95! bargain..

If only the zip hadn't have broke when I tried to do it up… in such a position that I couldn’t get it off. I tried to go over my head, but it got stuck, I tried to pull over my hips... stuck.

The sales assistant tried to yank it, but couldn’t get it off. Then she was like well, do you want to buy it? I said I didn’t think I would cause I’m pretty sure the zip’s broken. She went off to try to figure out what to do, brought back a couple of other assistants, they all had a go… no budging. Been in the change room for 15 minutes by now… with 4 of them trying to get it off me. I said I had to go, and in the end they had to cut the skirt off of me with scissors, it was embarrassing.

splendour...

2007-08-11T00:20:00.000+09:30

where's tani?

talent

aaww

making friends

tanibreni

2 heads

yup..

Warren Ellis

neat pleats

look over there ->

e is for eddiee

long lunch...

hail the sparkly things

sunset.

Mean Girls

2007-08-01T16:31:00.000+09:30

My sister is a bit of a wanker magnet, and growing up she had a few of them who followed her around. One of them, damian smolchski was this psycho guy I was totally scared of, he was into the army and used to follow her home on his bike and try to ram her. And there's another guy, from learn to swim class..

The other night, I was stuck in town in the rain and I hailed a 99b, but the driver pretended to drive off without me, then stopped and made me run to get on, and said, ‘gotcha’ and chuckled to himself… it was really hilarious... really… Anyway, I recognized him as soon as I got on even though he looked pretty different. He must be about 33 but he looks about 45-50 and he used to be tall and goofy looking but now he’s filled out and a bit wrinkly.

He was in my sisters learn to swim class at the local pool, and he invited her to his birthday party. Our mother in all her wisdom forced her to go, I’m not sure why, something about not being rude, it was a very degrassi junior high moment. When Claire talks about that day, she says all she remembers is that the house had concrete floors, there were no other girls there and that a pack of 12yr old ferrel boys chased her down the street. After the party, about once every 6 months or so, this kid would just turn up at our house without warning, and hang around for a few hours, and then his mum would come pick him up in a station wagon packed with other goofy dirty looking kids.

Being cruel young girls, we would hide from him and make mum and dad lie and say we weren’t home, or we’d just ignore him and he would just sit in the courtyard and watch everyone go about their thing. One time when I was around 15 (and in the midst of extreme teen angst), he came over and I was watering the plants, I remember telling him that Claire had gone to Iceland on an exchange and wouldn’t be back for a long time, then I wet him with the hose and told him to go away. At this point I think my mother realised that her initial reasons for making Claire go to that party years ago had sort of backfired.

Anyway, a couple of months ago my sis got a letter from this guy, explaining how he had been truly in love with her ever since ‘learn to swim’ class in 1984 and how since then he has been through a lot of stuff, and even after a serious accident which had meant 3 years of rehab and caused massive amnesia, during that time he still remembered his feelings for her. Now he had discovered that she was getting married, and he was happy for her, and had heard that Nic was a good guy….

Reverting to our mean girl behaviour, all the letter did was provide some comedy and a few concerns about stalking. And when I got on that bus, all I thought was omg I’ve gotta get away from this guy. Anyway, I recognized him and he recognized me too, he said ‘hey, your face looks familiar’ and I said ‘I don’t think so’ and tried to walk quickly to the back of the bus, but he called me back ‘come here and talk to me..’ so I did, and I did. And he showed me his name badge and said ‘ring any bells yet’ and I confessed to knowing him. He told me about his accident, and how he couldn’t walk, and was in hospital for months. Bad habits die hard and as soon as we got close enough that I could walk mostly under shelter to my bus, I got off and hid til he left. He seemed pretty happy driving his bus though. I'm glad.

wog in a box

2007-06-18T23:49:00.000+09:30

I was driving down torrens road the other day when I saw a shop called 'wog in a box'.. dunno if that sounds very tasty

In other news...

Every year I have to attend first aid recertification and every year it makes me realise how much I'm screwed if I ever actually need first aid by another member of the public. There were 15 people in the class and I think probably 2 that i would want around if i was lying in public dying somewhere.

There was another participant there with exactly the same name and spelling as me which was weird and disturbing. Apparently she was named after some famous actress, but she couldn't remember her namesake's surname nor any movies that she had starred in... yup, it was going to be a long day..

Note that this is REcertification meaning that everyone in the class has already done the 2 day senior first aid course at least once.

We started with burns. If im burnt, Barb says she is going to cover me with a paste of baking soda mixed with a little water, actually she also says this is what she will do if she finds me suffering from a bee sting or spider bite

and Lisa is going to put essential lavender oil on my burn... she's actually made up her own first aid kit because the St Johns ones seem to be missing many of the 'essential' items that first aid requires

Barry on the other hand has learnt his lesson with home remedies, after he got his brother to try to put his dislocated finger back into place around five times too many, resulting in his middle finger being broken in 3 places and so deformed that he cant even use it to tell his brother where to go anymore..

good times.

becoming mean and bitter

2007-06-05T11:33:00.000+09:30

Whilst at breakfast at my sister and nics last week I realised I’m turning into a mean and bitter person. I watched them cook my parents and I breakfast in their cupboard kitchen together and there wasn’t even one harsh word or annoyed look given. It was very pleasant. So since then I have tried to start a ‘be nicer’ revolution at home where I try to be nicer to J and try to get him to be nicer to me. I’m not sure if it is working really, but he hasn’t taken my wet clothes of the clothes rack to make way for his wet clothes since.

However just now in my open plan office, I purposefully paused a video I’m working on at a particularly gruesome point where a drill is being applied to a tooth so that my co-workers would be grossed out if they looked up while I went and ran some errands. I didn’t even realise I was doing it until I got back, it just came naturally. I think it might be time to think about moving on cause I dunno if a ‘be nicer’ revolution is going to be possible here.

funni logos

2007-05-30T16:14:00.000+09:30

This made me laugh today when everything else was extremely dreary.

http://www.b3ta.com/features/phalliclogoawards/

In other unrelated news that everyone knows but i haven't recorded:

My sister currently has a 5.5 cm person growing in her and reports that she is an eating machine.

Holidayed

2007-05-17T23:03:00.000+09:30

Just got back from holiday that consisted of eating stuff like this:

And sitting around like this:

With a lot of Soongs like these:

It was a pretty good holiday, but now my pants don’t really fit properly and I have a stronger aversion to shopping malls than ever before.

Stuff I like about Malaysia

Assam laksa – J’s popo makes really good assam laksa which is spicy and sour fish noodle soup not at all like the coconutty stuff you get here and J’s dad vacuum packs it and brings it back and the customs lady at Adelaide airport is surprisingly nice about it.

That everybody is allowed to ride a motorbike – small children, old men, a guy with two children and a baby while talking on the phone… yup, everyone, all at once. And when they do ride they wear their jackets back to front.

40 min quality foot massage for $15 – note: don’t drink the ginger tea. Actually I was really scared cause I can’t really handle ppl touching my feet. They are ultra ticklish. I think this was pretty evident cause about 10 mins in the masseuse slapped me hard and told me to relax.

Cute Malaysian accent lah
Yah lah
No lah
Of course lah
Cannot.
Also cannot.

I think they should use ‘Correct’ and ‘Also Correct’ as the antonyms of 'Cannot' and 'Also Cannot' but they don’t.

Things I dont like about Malaysia:

J's obsession with malls - Mid valley mega mall, 1-utama mega mall, KL cc mega-mall plus like 10 other massive malls.

Shop assistants insisting on staying within a metre of you at all times, even if you walk around the same rack 5 times you cant lose them.

Coming back to work. :(

See happy snaps here.

The difference between can and cannot are only three letters. Three letters that determine your life's direction.

2007-03-27T15:00:00.000+09:30

That is the stupidest positive thinking quote ever and I think there's a grammar error in it?

It seems that I’ve done something to offend the gods... maybe it’s the fact that I generally ignore their existence. It seems like everything I touch that’s even slightly technical, including such perceived ‘easy to use’ gadgets like keys and the kettle, seem to be against me.

Why does my external hard drive not like the computers I try to plug it into, my ipod has a picture of a sad face on it and the only sound it makes is the ‘click of death’, winamp has become corrupted and will only play music back at 4 x normal speed, my V-fest tix haven’t arrived but everyone else’s have, when I try to open the back gate, it doesn’t open, the light I bought from ikea was smashed when I opened the box, my printer no longer prints on heavy paper, it took me an hour and a complete dismantling of the sewing machine to get it to take up the bobbin thread, and I spilt an entire cup of hot coffee down my dress and now I have red burn blisters everywhere, not to mention my new video editing software won’t burn dvds and nor will my new dvd authoring software and someone stole the light off my bike, I’m in a constant state of implementing workarounds...

My friend sonia has been trying to convince me that its all to do with energy… and some kind of secret that I clearly don’t understand and completely disrespect.

On the bright side, james gave me some zines he bought at the zine fair he went to and I questioned the point of their existence in paper form, but they worked fine and are perfect for taking on the bus to distract from the body odour of the bus people and despite having read both stories b4, they were very good reading. Thanks james :)

To disc or disk... or maybe just dick

2007-03-19T15:02:00.000+10:30

just recieved the following email from a lady academic at work:

Dear ~~~,

I am coming over your way for a meeting this afternoon, so if you are finished, I can collect the hard dick from you.

hope it has not continued to be your 'worst nightmare'!

cheers
Dr ****** *******

I wanna grow up to be… a degausser

2007-03-02T08:28:00.000+10:30

Tani and I got home to find a package on the doorstep… it was addressed to Jon so we went right ahead and opened it and this is what we found!

We started to regret opening someone else’s mail at that point.

But it turns out it was for Chun-Li who’s been sitting in the shed in need of a good degaussing!

And so we degaussed, and it all came to life

mov 1MB

Then Jon lived out his dream, finnished ff, and he even got his happy ending

mov 2.5MB

Comments overheard at The Best Party Ever 06/07

2007-01-15T14:15:00.000+10:30

"omg the invite was right, this is really THE BEST PARTY EVER"

"wow, look at the persian garden... it's so luxurious"

"how good are DJ's greg, eddie, brendan and amanda... they are the best house party dj's ever"

"this is the best party foos ball I've ever played"

"this is the best portuguese style chicken I've ever eaten"

"that is the best lit up 2007 sign I've ever seen"

"this is the best red bull party punch that I've ever had"

"mm, those two tone jelly shots and russian cocaine shots are the tastiest shots ever"

"this is the best tg's uncles pizza slab I've ever eaten"

"this keg beer is the best beer I've ever tasted"

"that is the best chicken pinyata ive ever got to hit with a bike pump"

"look at all the fairy lights and lanterns, this is the best party light set up ever"

"that motorised disco ball makes this dance floor the best dance floor ever"

"these are the best 80's movies I've ever seen on an outside cinema screen in someone's backyard"

"that is the best party panda ever"

"that was the best nudy run ever"

"best party eva"

i stole some photos from mtb and amanda :)ta

You wanna piece of me!

2007-01-12T17:01:00.000+10:30

Woke up after NYE 06/07 The Best Party Ever (photo post coming soon)… only to find a weird red bump in a strange spot… hypochondria set in and stories of tick bites, lyme disease and breast cancer drove me to the doctor. I thought he’d just say.. oh, its nothing, come back if it doesn’t go away in a few days, but no, he gets a magnifying glass out, has a closer look, prods around a bit and then goes..

“hmm, I don’t know what it is, I think I should give you a local anaesthetic take a biopsy out and send it off to pathology”

Me: “is it a tick bite?”

“..perhaps, I really don’t know what it is, I don’t think it’s cancer, but best to be thorough”

Great. So he stuck a big needle in me and then got a scalpel and cut a bit out. It was no good.

After a week of thinking I had lyme disease and chronic fatigue, I went back to get the results, and he had totally no clue who I was or why I was there, so I reminded him that he had a small piece of me in a jar somewhere and could he please tell me the test results..

“Ah, yes, you have folliculitis”

Me: “What??”

“folliculitis”

Me: “Are saying it was an ingrown hair?”

Him: “Yes, nothing to worry about, just a folliculitis. Are you ok now? No pain? Yes, well, off you go then, nothing more to worry about”

Who the fuck says folliculitis anyway and what kind of Dr cant tell the difference between folliculitis, a tick bite, and cancer with out performing a surgical procedure?

everybody singalong.. u2 adelaide megamix

2006-11-21T19:15:00.000+10:30

It was a big weekend... starting Thursday with U2

Felt pretty sorry for kanye, asif people boo! but thems the breaks, he's got some more life of hard knocks material now :)

video 10MB

Old biddy

2006-11-03T11:37:00.000+10:30

Some old biddy at the bus stop called me a ‘stupid thing’ this morning.

It was all very weird, I was just sitting there, and this old biddy and her middle aged daughter came along and there was enough room for her to sit if she wanted, but she just looked at me and said ‘stupid thing’ and muttered some other old biddy insults under her breath. Then they started talking about ‘art’… typical.

Just say yes.

2006-09-29T15:19:00.000+09:30

I don’t know why people insist on making their default answer ‘No’.

Maybe it’s a flashback to the ‘Just Say No’ campaign of the 80’s which I never did really understand then either.

My advice to you today, is

Just say ‘Yes’

And things will become a lot easier for all of us.

Hat power

2006-07-27T16:48:00.000+09:30

All the alarms just went off and I got to shoo away lots of smelly students whilst wearing my shiny red hat and standing with my arms crossed blocking the door.

One student had the cheek to ask if I was serious..
I replied in my fire-warden-ascertive tone that I most certainly was serious, that this was not a drill and that he had better move immediately to the designated assembly area unless he had a death wish.

Turns out it was a false alarm, however all the academics seem to have gone home so after all that excitement I think I might go home too.. for a nap..

Black hair, baby hair, bad hair - yeah yeah yeahs, death cab and tony and guy

2006-07-25T22:49:00.000+09:30

Black hair
Yeah yeah yeahs were really good at the Gov on Sunday…

movie 3.3MB

Baby hair
Death cab for cutie were also really good at the Gov on Monday - how good is my reviewing style.

movie 7.2MB

There were two 13 year old girls standing in front of us who probably found our ‘awww, they’re so small’ comments pretty annoying, and I was tempted to speak loudly about all the dramatic events to come in the O.C. finale, like Marissa and Ryan getting run off the road by Volcheck resulting in Marissa slowly dying in Ryans arms cause instead of going to get help, he chooses to stay with her for her last breath, but I resisted.

Bad hair
I’ve managed to stay with the same hairdresser 3 times in a row now, and so on this my 4th time, I thought I’d let them colour my hair too. When I got there, my hairdresser wasn’t working so they put me with someone else for my colour, then they got this other guy to wash it, then they got someone else to put a complimentary treatment in it, then they wrapped my head in gladwrap and let me sit and read about Johnny Depp (if it wasn’t for him there could have been trouble, cause at this point I’d been their two hours and I wasn’t looking pretty), then someone else cut it, then someone else blow dried it. All I can say that perhaps too many chefs have spoilt the broth cause 5 hairdressers, 3 hours and lots of $$$ later, I don’t think Tony nor Guy really knows how to make me happy. Hopefully I won't notice the colour of every single strand like i am right now forever, cause it's really bothering me.

Christmas in July

2006-07-15T00:18:00.000+09:30

i don't really get it, but the old folks at my Nanna's home didn't seem to see the difference, so who am i to cry humbug

ba humbug, it's a fucking stupid idea

something i ate didn't seem to agree with me, the turkey was good, but the potato was a rock, the ice cream was good, but my sister thought the plum pudding was a rhubarb

the entertainment was pretty good, Tee Tree Gully Troupedours, they knew all the favourites... they started with a medley of weather songs, to help us get through the draught, my Nan's favourite:

When I pre-tend I'm gay,
I never feel that way,
I'm only painting the clouds with sunshine.

..jees, that's quite depressing isn't it..

followed by Singing in the Rain, Raindrops keep falling on my head, September rain, and all the other rain classics.

Then they each did a solo, best being the big old guy who sang one of those really low voice deep river songs, worst being the lady who's voice clearly didn't cut the mustard so she tried to ham it up with 'always a bridesmaid, never a bride', funniest was the old italian crooner who was flirting with my sister, she said it was just cause she was in the front row, but she was clearly making eyes at him.

and they finished it off with a medley of christmas carols for a full audience sing-a-long, ah good times

should be good when we're 89 and having christmas in July at the home and the entertainment commitee bust out smells like teen spirit

and now, because i haven't had enough musical entertainment for the night, jon is giving me his own air guitar rendition of all the great You am I songs they didn't get around to playing tonight

cmon 5pm..

2006-07-07T15:15:00.000+09:30

M @ the brewery

~~~: what you doing
M : nothing, bored.
M : want to hear a joke?
~~~: yer
M : what kind of bees produce milk?
~~~: hmm, I dunno
M : BOOB BEES
~~~: hhahahah
~~~: you’re immature
M : u r
~~~: why are you bored?
M : waiting for stationary.

J @ the hospital

J : i'm bunkering down
J : like the russians during the winter
J : outside st petersberg
J : maybe it was moscow
~~~: maybe you should talk to them
J : nah i'm bunkering down
J : marshalling the troops

N @ IT dept

n : this new seating position is no good
n : my back to G
n : im kinda side on to I
~~~: thats no good
~~~: no good
~~~: you want back to wall, facing out
n : now they throw stress balls at me to get my attention

Coldplay @ 'Entertainment' Centre

2006-07-06T17:08:00.000+09:30

Well, it was good, but not very good. Even with yellow sparkle filled balloons and a hot frontman - the de-entertainment centre atmosphere sucking backdrop, Chris Martin’s puppet dancing, bad pants, too many house lights and the predictable production of it all made the whole experience a bit mediocre. The ‘entertainment’ centre seems to try to make things shit, walk into a floodlit foyer, find out your not allowed to drink a beer while you watch the show, get accosted by some young capitalist trying to get you to sign up for a credit card and when you finally get into the arena, you look around and discover you’re surrounded by boring tall people.

He does have a very nice falsetto though.

action video (1.8MB)

Also HAPPY BIRTHDAY NAI!! he told me he wants everyone to give him a big birthday kiss when they see him next :)

Sometimes I wonder how my bf has any friends at all..

2006-06-22T11:34:00.000+09:30

This sticker is on my bf's beside lamp that hes had since he was 7 or something. I guess it's so he can remind himself before he goes to sleep, and when he wakes up everyday exactly what he thinks of himself..

Today I sent him a link to this

http://themeatrix.com/

and then despite me being the one who sent it, I got berated for the next hour because of my distaste for unhomogenized full cream milk and lack of enthusiasm for Paris Creek yoghurt. I don’t even really like normal milk and just cause I don’t eat a 500g tub of bs bush honey yoghurt for breakfast doesn’t mean I’m pro battery chickens and feeding cows their own blood products!

And then he continuously messaged me this for another half hour..

What are you waiting for? You're faster than this. Don't think you are, know you are. Come on. Stop trying to hit me and hit me.

Blanket Emergency

2006-06-21T15:33:00.000+09:30

Last night at yoga, while we were working on ‘downward facing dog’ pose,

our yogi (thats the professional name for someone really good at yoga) took this girl in our class aside, layed her down, put her legs up on the wall and then wrapped her up in blankets, entirely, like even her head, and then left her there for the rest of the class.

I wonder what she did to deserve that..

maybe she accidently let one go out of her asana

hahahaha, that’s a yoga joke if you're not sure why you’re laughing

Say WOW! or ill be very disappointed

2006-06-19T15:33:00.000+09:30

So with winter being so fricken cold this year my body seems to have decided, against my better judgement, to increase it’s fat stores in what I guess is a nice attempt to warm me up. So when I got a call from Lex at Mja’s gym, I thought I’d take up his offer of a free trial and a tour and I signed up to do a ‘body attack group fitness session’ (that’s fancy talk for aerobics).

So Jms, Mja and I went to the 11am session and I have to say it was definitely not a waste of time. Watching James try to keep up with the “single kicks, now double, now single, now left leg, arms up, whoop whoop, let’s go again, shuffle left, shuffle right, rub you stomach, pat your head” that Mel was leading us through was quite entertaining… I guess that’s how I look when I play ball sports. It seems that being champion of the playstation dancing game will not prepare you for the practical reality.

More disturbing was the way that at the end of each routine, Mel would finish by striking a pose, and when you are blindly following someone else’s physical movement, it’s kind of like getting tricked when playing Simon Says, and next thing you know you are also striking a pose, clapping your hands, or punching the air and singing ‘whoop whoop’.

After the class we had to meet Lex back at the front desk for the sales pitch because he had cleverly taken Jms’ passport and my drivers license as collateral so we couldn’t escape.

Lex gives us a number of brochures, one with a picture of himself in bike pants and sweating on the front and then takes us on a tour of the gym.

“This is Jo, he’s one of our personal trainers, here at the best gym in the world we have multiple olypians and professionals to help you reach your goals, don’t we jo..”

Jo then body slams Lex, picks him up in a bear hug and shakes him about.

“This is the RPM spin room, our most popular group fitness activity, there are 45 bikes in this room and the instructor takes you on a 45 minute intense journey through 17 different stages of intensity and speed using our state of the art intense light show”

Lights go out and the walls are painted with glow in the dark paint.

“Wow, look at this brochure with me on the front, how good does it look when I glow in the dark”

“Oh, word of warning, make sure you don’t wear your white g-string on when you do this class, cause it will glow like a mofo”

We make our way through the various levels, muscle room, machines for running, walking, stepping, crosstraining, rowing, don’t forget to breath, dvd library, steam room, sauna, monsoon shower that takes off the top layer of your skin, with an ice machine attached to sooth your wounds perhaps that you receive from too much time in their solarium.

Then we’re back in reception so lex can close the sale.

“So today we have an extra special offer, make sure you say ‘WOW’ when I tell you cause otherwise I’ll be upset”

Turns out I did say wow, wow that’s a bit out of my price range, I don’t reckon my body needs $50 a fortnight worth of change quite yet. Lex tried hard and had some good points - this is the best gym in the whole world - it will change your life and all, but alas, I had to turn down that life changing offer and go eat lunch and a full box of nanna buns from the market just so I could get back what Mel had taken off me earlier.

Lessons learnt.

2006-06-14T14:26:00.000+09:30

on friday night…

Vodka and redbull will not sober you up at 2am in the morning when you are so drunk that your eyes are half closed and your cheeks are drooping towards the floor.

Drinking even more vodka and redbull will also not sober you up enough for you remember where you left your bag.

Nor will it help you remove your boots before you get into bed, or come good on a promise to help your friend make a trifle.

at netball..

despite usually not being able to shoot goals unless there is a freak twister on the court sucking the ball through the net, when I do manage to get one in I can frustrate someone enough to make them punch the ball so hard their knuckles bleed.

at yoga…

“now put your feet in the air.. and push up towards the ceiling.. if you are menstruating then you can not do this next bit.. everybody else move your arms above your head..”

wtf?? Im pretty sure I can put my arms above my head, even if you do talk in very convincing smooth dulcet tones. And does teaching us ‘basic anatomy’ really require that much touching of your assistant? I think we all know where the breast bone is.

on the bus...

maths really is a leisure activity after all -

highschool kid #1: have you been working on your maths since maths camp?

highschool kid #2: well, I haven’t been doing that much, I just think I should have more time for leisure activities.. not that Maths isn’t a leisure activity…

at bf’s parents house for dinner…

"Next time you're pregnant, you shouldn’t drink coffee, because it makes the baby come out a funny colour"

(i am just as confused about this last one as anyone, and for the record, the next time I'm pregnant will be the first time)

Get out of my way

2006-05-30T12:12:00.000+09:30

I work in what is often noted as being the ugliest building on campus. It’s 13 stories high with lots of tumor causing stuff on top. I look out of my window to a brick wall (that I have sadly come to appreciate as my own Ayres rock while I watch the colours change as the day goes by outside). The airconditioning is so bad that I am currently still wearing my coat and scarf.

Just now I was in the very grey and dingy stairwell and between levels 3 and 4 I nearly tripped on a very pasty looking student sitting on the stairs who had chosen that spot as a nice place to stop and eat his lunch. Seriously, around 200m away there is a picturesque** river with trees and ducks.

** river may not actually be that picturesque

Diamonds Sperm Wizz fizz Mathematics

2006-05-22T15:41:00.000+09:30

Did you know that diamonds have the highest thermal conductivity of any solid at room temperature. I did, and I know a lot more anyone else in my house on such matters, and that’s why I beat all my housemates and their history nerd friends at trivial pursuit late on Friday night. Thankyou, thankyou, yes, thankyou no need for such loud applause.

In other weekend events…

Happy birthday Nic! The last night of Nics 20’s was spent at the brickworks beer garden eating snacks from 1976, listening to music from 1991 and singing songs about sperm on ice. I could tell I’d probably had too much of good time the next day when I found birthday cake stuck to the side of my bag and three Wizz Fizzes and an empty packet of Fads inside.

I also remember seeing one of my ex-students and him telling me that he was ‘pretty much over education’ and I think I responded with something like ‘oh well’ and then he said ‘so did you come here with other friends, cause I think I’m supposed to be kissing this girl right now’ and that seemed fair enough, so I left him to it. Last time I saw this ex-student out he asked for my phone number and tried to get me to come to his party. So much for being a positive role model instilling a high regard for education and a love of mathematics, I like to think he was just showing off, and deep down he actually does love maths.

Also, my new camera is really good, here’s a photo from last weeks Brunatex gig.

Postit Power... or lack of

2006-05-12T10:09:00.000+09:30

Met missi at the pub for what was supposed to be a quick post work pint… 3 imperial pints, a shot of cheap vodka, a massive bowl of chips and mushroom sauce and some kind of Tooheys super strong extra cold dry bullshit beer in a bottle later we stumbled home to her house and finished off the night with a caffreys irish ale from her fridge that has this note stuck on the door:

and this one inside..

Mile-high Mange

2006-05-03T14:54:00.000+09:30

I was told by a reliable source today that a particular airline ran a health survey on their staff and apparently 70% of the cabin crew have an STD.

Spokey Dokeyed

2006-05-01T16:08:00.000+09:30

It was jons birthday the other day and someone spokey dokeyed his bike while he was at work!

less art, more arj

2006-03-30T17:47:00.000+10:30

So arj barker finally wrote back, like 2 months after I wrote to him. It’s like that Simpsons episode where Marge finally gets the letter from Ringo Starr.

Anyway, he called me 'cool' and 'pretty' which was nice, but he seems to have confused me with Daryl Hall of Hall and Oats fame…

Arj Barker wrote: First of all, let me say that I’m honored to hear from you Mr. Hall, and please send my greeting Mr. Oats as well. You guys are pretty cool!

mmm, arj sure has good taste.. look at the hotties!

La Clique

2006-03-20T10:28:00.000+10:30

I went and saw La Clique on Thursday night. It was really good. Beauty, athleticism, sensuality and strangeness in a tent with a bar.

It was like these people came up with these crazy ideas that normally would be dismissed as very bad ideas, but instead they went ahead and mastered them to a level of greatness. Who would have said “wow, yeh, that’s a great idea, let’s do that..” to a German in denim doing gymnastics in and out of a bath, a full frontal nudity magic routine, and a double jointed Norwegian pushing himself through two tennis racket frames.. brilliant.

Spewing

2006-03-16T13:54:00.000+10:30

I am so over all the fucking ridiculous jargon and bs that people in my workplace go on about.

It is sucking my spirit, I have started to hear similar words start to come out of my own mouth and I feel like sending them out with a vomit chaser.

Arghghghghg

Ew, something stinks.

Yey, we have hot water, I finally had a shower, and I went to see some shows..

2006-03-08T17:06:00.000+10:30

Kranski sisters – don’t go unless you are over 50 and boring. Trying not to be negative here, I did hear that someone who is apparently not boring thought this show was ‘outrageously funny’ but I can't personally recommend it.

Eddie perfect – nice guy, funni song about gay marriage, rest of the songs not my cup of tea. I hate jazz. But I laughed a bit at his banter and it was much more entertaining than Kranski's, even if Tg did say 'im just going to the toilet' and never come back, only to be found later on rundle street with her head in a burger.

Arj barker – I found arj very funni despite me being tired and angry at the time. But I had reason to email him earlier in the week and have since received no reply. So I dunno… maybe he doesn’t care to hear about the everyday person in the audience anymore, kind of like Oprah.

Judith lucy – not as funni as Arj, but not not funni. There were funni bits, but I didn’t laugh that much.

The Dancing Sky – this was visually beautiful and it looked like fun to be up there in the sky; it was also nice to see lots of ppl out and not being total wankers. The story was crap though, I like stories a lot and this was nonsense basically. I stopped paying attention cause it was giving me a headache trying to make it mean something.

Ross noble – very very funni, I found the funniest bits the stuff he just made up on the spot, rather than the story build ups, I sometimes find the punchline doesn’t warrant such a build up and only leads to anticlimax. For some reason we ended up with front row tickets, but luckily 6 wankers in the second row turned up 10 minutes late and diverted all attention.

Breakin ground – I highly recommend seeing this, but don’t bother going until the second half unless you’re into watching ppl not into hip hop watch hip hop. It was kind of uncomfortable and weird or something. The dance stuff doesn’t start until the second half, but it was heaps good, there was a really smooth guy, and a really fast guy, some girl with very defined abs and a short guy who could strike a fucking good pose. Once again, I chose to ignore the interpretive dance overtones to this performance and just watch some fit people dance. Not that I don’t love interpretive dance, or do I hate it?? I’m still not sure…

Daniel Kitson – this is the best show I’ve seen, funni, clever and very sentimental.

How fun is moving house

2006-03-03T17:07:00.000+10:30

How fun is moving house, I tell ya what it’s a barrel of laughs.

We used removalists who were really good and if you’re ever needing 2 guys, 1 truck and an extra guy who they just pay cash, let me know and I’ll give you their number.

One of the guys looked just like John Voit and had a German accent, one was called Duncan and the other guy was totally non memorable. They were jokers alright…

Duncan to Tg: “So where do you want me to put the drugs I found under your bed?”
Tg: Stares at him saying nothing for a long time before realising he was joking

Nai to John Voit: “So I think we’ll have to reassemble this once it’s in the room”
John Voit: (with heavy sarcasim + german accent where think is pronounced sink) “You sink.. do you”

Tg to Duncan: “This bed comes apart”
Duncan: “Is that right? I’ve never moved a bed before.”

Duncan and the other guy to me when I walked out and announced they still had to move the chest freezer and dryer from out the back: “Are you right there?”

I think they were talking about the beer I was drinking. Cause it was 11am and I had just cracked open a beer and was wearing a dress and inappropriate footwear while they were loading a bunch of my really heavy shit in a truck for me.
So I said “hmm, yeh, sorry.. do you guys want a beer?”
but they just stared at me, no-one answered… I couldn’t work out if their expressions meant: “She’s an alcoholic” or “What a bitch, I wanna beer so bad but JohnVoit will tell me off in a stern German accent if I do”

Later in the day Duncan brought up the beer thing to me again when I was carrying a pale ale cartoon full of books out of the truck “you just cant stop yourself can you”, and then John Voit stepped in and said “Dunnnccaaan, remember ze rules” and then Duncan said to me “Oh yeh, no girls allowed in the truck”

and so I dropped the carton of books and went and sat on the couch with my beer while they moved more of my stuff around.

Seriously though, they knew what they were doing, I didn’t hear one ‘nah, you gotta turn it this way’, ‘you can’t put that in first’, ‘there’s no way that’s gonna fit there’ out of any of them.

The move went surprisingly smoothly and now we've just got 1000 boxes of crap to unpack.

There are a few things funni in the new house though, like my wardrobe. The rod for hanging clothes so tall I can't reach it. Who knew that you had to specify to the wardrobe makers that you weren’t a giant?

The other really really funni thing is that we don’t have any gas yet, and so that means no stove and no hot water and no hot showers. It’s hilarious.

But overall, it’s new, it’s bright, it’s shiny and its ours. Awww…

well actually, its not ours, but we're there.. :)

I Seem To Be Killing Time

2006-03-03T12:18:00.000+10:30

So the clock on our server is only doing 20 seconds for every real 30 seconds and after a conversation with the host about why this might be happening, she wrote back today and said:

It seems to be keeping time however it's still slipping quite a bit.

So then I looked up and the clock in my office says 10.30 when it’s actually 11.15?

So what does it all mean? Am I ahead of my time? Or is time passing me by?

They always say time changes things, but sometimes you actually have to change time yourself.

I carried a watermelon

2006-02-22T17:14:00.000+10:30

I have cable ties keeping my basket attached to my bike.

My helmet leaves a black residue on my forehead and everyday I don’t realise its there until around lunchtime.

The bell on my bike no longer rings, but makes a pathetic clicking sound.

I tend to ride pigeon toed with my heels sticking out so that my trousers dont get caught in my chain, but sometimes they still do, and now they all have oil stains and several have small tears.

Today on my way to work,
I was overtaken by a guy wearing roller blades.

Cheer up, it might never happen

2006-02-02T15:40:00.000+10:30

I was walking down Kintore Ave yesterday, minding my own business, and at the same spot where I was once attacked by a killer bird and where I was once screamed at about not being catholic enough, some very tall businessman in a nice suit, around 40 years of age, turned to me as he walked by and said in a really loud voice

‘cheer up, it might never happen love’

Why did he say that? I wasn’t upset or depressed or anything, I had just purchased a floral plastic table cloth to provide protection from the spiders living under our outdoor table and was thinking about eating eggs and bacon off it at our bdo breakfast bbq at the time. I don’t see how my face could have indicated that I needed cheering up.

Then I thought.. am I walking to the beat of my own drum and is this the equivalent of my very own ‘drummer face’? You know how drummers seem to lose control of their face when they drum, and they look like they are eating a grapefruit? a phenomenon similar to that of ‘lip licking pool playing face’ and ‘squinty forgot glasses reading face’

I wonder what he thought might never happen?

NYE 2006

2006-01-17T14:29:00.000+10:30

Ok, so I know this is a bit late, but it took me a year to get my china photo’s in order and I didn’t even have an excuse like losing my camera cable for that one. So I have managed to get some photos off my camera and discovered that I really didn’t do much.

Falls was ok, I had some semi-cold thingo and generally wasn’t feeling all that good for the whole time but managed to have some pockets of fun in there. Nye was a bit of an episode, apparently ppl were dropping like flies, but as I was the first to go (after self medicating my semi-cold, rolling my ankle during The Shins, slamming my finger in the toilet door, and then over medicating some more to make it all go away…) I really have no idea what happened. I spent the night in the tent listening to other ppl talk shit back at camp.

Award for keeping tildaa most entertained during her nye would have to go to Ryno, heard this gem from him in the early hours:

“hoh, I’ve noticed that there are all these geek guys with hot girlfriends, what’s the deal with that… hmmm… I think I might become a geek, I reckon I’ll start using my middle name, Edward, instead of Ryno… but I’ll say it like, ‘Helloo, I’m Ed-waard’”

Speaking of geeks with hot girlfriends, check out Jms being super geeky in the beer tent at falls..

This is Smn taking his tent down from inside out..

Awww.. here is Jn and Bf sharing a moment..

and finally we have btr laying an eggy..

2006-01-12T15:37:00.000+10:30

Free-wheelin’ on my pathfinder

So, I finally got my bike up and running again, well the cycle shop did anyway... Apparently it was ‘pathetic’ to take it to JT cycles and pay $70 for a bit of oil here and there and a new tube in my front wheel. I guess it kind of is considering the bike only cost a couple of hundred to start with. But really what would be pathetic would be NOT taking it to get fixed, kind of like when you finish up with a broken unused pinball machine, wonderboy arcade game, coffee machine, amplifier and a half dozen boxes of cd’s sitting in your hallway cause ‘all they need is a 20c fuse’ for the last year or so… and then what’s even more pathetic is when you suggest that maybe they should go to a new home where they might get that 20c fuse you get the most pathetic baby tantrum I’ve ever seen, but anyway…

How good is it to have my bike back in action, I forgot the about the feeling of freedom! I think it’s something to do with the fact that you’re moving at a speed in between the two main speeds of the rest of the world. You’re zooming past pedestrians and the cars are speeding past you without even looking at you, and you can weave in and out of each world as you please. It’s basically just you and the open road… until bunch of those serious cyclists (who wear lycra and travel in packs) zoom past invading your middle speed world (which is kind of embarrassing when you think you’re on your own and so are singing the wrong words to dear prudence just a bit too loud).

There is one other world (apart from pedestrian, car and mine)… the world of the busses. Apparently this world is so interesting that there is an English sitcom all about it (my friend nugget says it’s really good and has the complete dvd box set, apparently it’s called ‘on the busses’). Anyway, this morning when I was riding past all the bus drivers who were stopped for their break on the east side of Victoria Square, I caught a glimpse of the hilarity that is the busses. There was one bus driver trying to reverse parallel park his bus into a gap between the other busses and instead of moving their busses to make room for him, all the other bus drivers were standing around clutching their jiggling beer bellies and heckling him “your never gonna make it” and “your entry angle’s all wrong” “stop showing-off in front of the lady”…

Hmm.. I guess it's probably funnier in an English accent.

8 episodes of Prison Break in one day..

2006-01-06T11:50:00.000+10:30

On Wednesday Nai made me watch 8 episodes (no more, no less) of Prison Break in a row to catch up and also has the whole series of ‘Weed’ ready to go when we’ve finished Prison Break. Last night we watched the 9th and 10th episodes and noticed a drop in quality. It's some kind of weird compulsion now that can't be stopped, they suck you in with the whole "He's a genius with the prison blueprints tattoed on his torso" and then it's just downhill from there. The fact that a second series exists makes me think im in for a pretty dissappointing end to the first series.

The last time this happened was with Deadwood and I couldn’t stop calling everyone cocksucker for like a month. But I stopped watching when Al Swearengen got gallstones cause it was just too disgusting.

Pros
I only have to waste 1 day instead of 8 weeks of my life thinking about why Abruzzi doesn’t just kill Tea Bag but he still wants to kill Fibonacci so badly.

Cons
I can’t sleep, it’s killing me, the 9th episode wasn’t even good but I can’t stop.

Christmas 2005

2006-01-05T12:25:00.000+10:30

Family christmas was pretty much as usual with its ups and downs, plate throwing tantrums and family love in equal measures and lots of beer to wash it down with. But the best bit was the annual family $10 Christmas present swap thingo landing my sister with the best game ever. It’s called something like ‘Shocking Fun’ and the rules are something like this…

Put your fingers on the button nearest to you
when the light in front of you flashes, press your button
If you miss pressing your button too many times,
You are a loser and the game gives you an electric shock and then plays some canned laughter just to rub it in.

In a family situation, this game provides hours of fun. It even comes with ‘shock boosters’ which are metal finger covers to enhance the shocking fun if family members have pacemakers or seem to have already developed a tolerance for electric shocks.

It's a whole new world..

2006-01-05T12:24:00.000+10:30

So I have to post here now cause there is someone squatting in my tilda blogspot and writing shit that i can't even understand but sounds quite rude when you say it out loud.

Blogger seem to have lost what was tilda from 2002 til now which I know must be very upsetting for everyone so I thought I’d do a quick run down of what happened over the last four years.. actually, can’t remember any of it either so I guess it’s time to move on... here's a song to get you through the grieving stage and help you look toward a brighter future..

A whole new world

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place I never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now I'm in a whole new world with you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

A whole new world
Don't you dare close your eyes
A hundred thousand things to see
Hold your breath - it gets better
I'm like a shooting star
I've come so far
I can't go back to where I used to be

A whole new world
Every turn a surprise
With new horizons to pursue
Every moment red-letter
I'll chase them anywhere
There's time to spare
Let me share this whole new world with you

A whole new world
That's where we'll be
A thrilling chase
A wondrous place
For you and me